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Issue: November 2010
Finding my body in the grave

This month's winner of £100 School of Movement Medicine workshop voucher

By Ailsa Lucas

I want to capture something of this moment in my life and share it with you, knowing that by the time I have finished writing, and certainly by the time you read what I write, my perspective will have changed again!

But it feels a precious time. A waking up from sleep time. A rich time to share.

Where to begin? Well … as I write, I feel profound gratitude for the powerful part played by Ya’Acov’s Burial Ceremony in this awakening, so I will begin there.

I was not scared in the least in the time leading up to the ceremony. Just open to each moment as it came.

Then, as I accepted the invitation to be helped in to my grave, I felt absolute terror. I felt sick and absolutely sure there was no way I could do it.

I called for the help, for the human contact, I needed … And I received such beautiful care.

I took, and was given, all the space I needed, all the time I needed, all the holding I needed, to truly feel ready to go inside. And when I was full. When I was ready. Once I had found, inside myself, what I needed to move through my fear. I let myself be buried. And I let them go.

And I found myself in one of the most peaceful, beautiful spaces I had known.

It was a place to reflect on my life, my death, my relationships, my place in this dance of life. But more than anything, it was a place to find my body. A place to find my ground.

When I returned home, some days later, I chose to commit to finding my ground, to finding my body each day as I rose out of bed. And throughout each day, where I found myself rushing forward without myself, full of tension, the phrase ‘there is time to find my ground’ would come and support me to take the time to feel in to my body, to come back in to the moment, to come back in to presence.

I have often noticed that despite my 17 year love affair with Five Rhythms and Movement Medicine, I have spent lots and lots of time wanting classes to end! In recent weeks I discovered a new curiosity: What is going on inside me when I’m wanting out. And that exploration has been profound.

Through all this I have found an exquisite new connection with my body.

I have often heard people say how much difference it makes to BE in your body, but when you’ve spent your whole life pretty disconnected, it’s hard to imagine what that difference could really be like. I have to say that I feel it is one of the biggest breakthroughs of my life!

You may wonder how I have managed to do this work for so long without finding a deep connection with my body. I guess one answer is that there were other things I needed to do first. From where I am, I actually find it hard to believe it has been possible for me to find this at all. I feel that what I am doing here is healing one of my deepest wounds.

And it is good. It is good! Much of the time I feel completely open to receiving the shifting, changing experience of sensation in my body. I feel exquisite pleasure. And I can be in and move through fear, anger and sadness. Being able to be with my feelings is huge. Just huge.

I am just astounded to find myself, again and again, able to move in to contact and able to stay in contact with others if I want to, with no sense of needing to run away to avoid my fear. Often it just feels easy and lovely! And I never would have believed this was possible for me.

I am finding that when I am in touch with my body, I am able to act with greater sensitivity, wisdom, integrity, ease, and positive effect.

And I find myself knowing that in so many different areas of my life I can move beyond what has been my safe territory. I know I am now equipped to offer much more of myself.

It is early days, and everything feels up in the air and unknown, but I feel I am on a delicious adventure.

Thank you to Ya’Acov and all those with whom I took my journey in to the ground, especially those who supported me so beautifully. Thank you too Susannah and my fellow travellers on Initiation, the Phoenix and Awakening, the discoveries and incantations from which all seem to meet, to coalesce at this point! And thank you to all who journey here, for the unique presence, perspective and wisdom that you bring to this powerful healing field.

Much love,

Ailsa  ailsa.david@gmail.com

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The views expressed here do not necessarily represent the views of the School of Movement Medicine. Roland Wilkinson, Nappers Crossing, Staverton, Devon TQ9 6PD, UK Tel & Fax +44 (0)1803 762255 http://www. schoolofmovementmedicine.com