School of Movement Medicine - Mindfulness in Motion

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Issue: November 2009
Is This Self Love?

This month's winner of £100 School of Movement Medicine workshop voucher

by Ailsa Lucas

I have brought something home from ‘Initiation’ which I do not yet fully understand. Something huge and deep, which I can already sense making a profound difference to my life. This is new. To feel so good, so steady, somewhere deep inside. Even in the darkest moments. To be discovering something which holds me, something in me that really does know I am OK, even when things go just the way I hoped they wouldn’t.

Like this moment.


Having invited quite a few women to share in fulfilling a beautiful vision of mine, I find myself alone. No-one has come! No-one has come! This is exactly the kind of thing I have found it hardest to bear. The kind of thing that has sent me down a spiral of negativity so many times before. Yet I am welcoming this perfect painful opportunity. This chance to discover that I can bear it. Yes it hurts. Yes I feel sad. Yes this is difficult. But I feel a deep sense of peace underneath it all.


And I am observing. Noticing my thoughts: “How will people see me when I admit that no-one came”? “Maybe they won’t see me in too bad a bad light if I show what an opportunity I’m taking this as”. And I am acknowledging these responses and tenderly letting them go. Again and again.


I dance and each dip back into the pain just brings energy surging through my body. It feels good to meet these responses with warmth and let them move through me. I am very much alive.


And you know what, I have the level headedness to wonder constructively about what happened and where I will go from here: “Maybe I’ll ask people how they’d felt about the idea”. “The other week I had a beautiful, unique, intimate gathering, so I know I can create spaces that others love and want”. “OK so next time I’ll find four people with a clear “Yes” and find a date we can all make”.


This is new for me. To have a sense of the ground beneath me, to be able to observe such a situation with compassion and clarity. I have spent so much time bogged down in thinking that this or that happened because I was just not lovable or good enough. Or consumed inside thoughts of how people would now see me as even less loveable or capable. Or too scared to act for fear of failing or looking bad. And this has really limited me. This has really limited me.


So yes, you know I do believe that what I have just discovered is self love. Or a new depth of self love. And I can see it opening up so much in my life: I can take more risks. I can dare to make contact. I can let myself be vulnerable. I can go places where I don’t know what I am doing. I can experiment. I can try taking responsibility for things that I wouldn’t have dared to before. I can make a whole new range of things happen. I can let myself be. I can give myself time. I can learn. I can allow myself more pleasure in life. And I suspect that I will find deeper love for others too.


I can bring more of myself to the world … knowing that whatever happens … I am here to hold myself with love … and grow from the experience.


Hey maybe I’ll forget how to love myself sometimes. But I know I will remember again. And again. And again.


I feel like a butterfly …with the sun warmth it needs … to finally begin to emerge from its cocoon.



Ailsa Lucas

9th November 2009

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The views expressed here do not necessarily represent the views of the School of Movement Medicine. Roland Wilkinson, Nappers Crossing, Staverton, Devon TQ9 6PD, UK Tel & Fax +44 (0)1803 762255 http://www.