School of Movement Medicine - Mindfulness in Motion

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Issue: April 2012
"I refuse to be a victim"

By Megumi Miyata

March 2012

I was again in beautiful Devon at the end of winter with other beautiful soul seekers for the Phoenix Retreat.

I had an intention for "closing a cycle" of 12 years. 12 years ago I had fallen down from the cliff just before a sweat lodge had started. It happened in the middle of total darkness in the valley of Himalaya in India. There was a rainbow gathering, which is a gathering from all the ages from all the nationalities forcamping in nature sharing knowledge and friendship.

There were 2 people who built a sweat lodge in deeper into the forest where of course no electricity neither any facilities. It was my first experience of sweat lodge. Having absolutely no idea what it is about, I just had been there for my curiosity to be in the "sauna in the nature".

After hours waiting till the rocks become hot, we all entered the lodge. Just before pouring the water on the hottest rock I've said. "I want to do my last pee before it starts". Opened the door, couldn't see anything in the dark, took few steps forward, bringing down the trouser then.....I made my fall.

During this 12 years I've been offered the opportunities to do the sweat lodges but somehow didn't happen. In one of the opportunities the master of the lodge has told me that I was the victim of the bad intentioned or wrong prepared lodge. Since this is a sacred ceremony you just can't hold it as a playing a game. Possibly it was part of my "survival understudy" working quietly in order to protect me from another fall.

Learning the Phoenix process was a powerful process itself. Accepting whole being as I am right now gathering all the resources and reclaimingthelost fragment of my soul. Whole process requires total concentration to catch the sensation in my body and heart, I found my mind trying to judge and deny all the visions and sensations. What has helped me was the advices from several directions say: It doesn't matter if they are your imagination or really what has happened, important is the fact that those visions come to you on that very moment and what it represents to you.

It corresponded to the message from "The Celestine Prophecy" I just have read on the airplane to London. The first wisdom is about Synchronicity. Realizing "nothing is a coincidence". From the reason why each one of the dancers joined particularly in this Phoenix 2012 to who was going through a phoenix process next to each other, there is a very precise magical mystery shining by the hands of great choreographer. And our task as the participants of this great mystery game, is to find those magic in eachmoments of our life.

Because it's everywhere and anytime.

As a closure and climax of our work together, sacred sweat lodge was waiting for us.

From the preparation it was different from my first experience. There was a smell of primeval. During the ceremony for bringing the elements spirits into the lodge, I've even felt my skull was moving and forming the shape of ancient being.

For me being naked in the small lodge together with 40 more people was a work. Touching the cold soil, mother earth, Pachamama! I called her for more space and air. I'm used to being in sauna, being naked, being so close to the people, and they are lovely companies of amazing mind trying to calm myself by finding all the reason to feel OK being here, though I've been cooking in my stomach the sensation of anger. Why am Isqueezing mysel fin such a tiny space? "Open the door please!!" with Ya'acov's magic words I shouted big "YES!!" in my heart for relief.

But with the fire & moon light coming from the opened door, I've seen someone stretching his legs and having a space to open the arms. My anger has become a monster.

The door was closed again and in the dark my monster asking me to shout, tobeat and express my anger forbeing miserable and pity in a tiny space while others having lots more space than me.

Top of the top in my miserable frustrating point, suddenly a phrase came into my mind.

"I refuse to be a victim." It came a moment of wonder. It immediately reminded methe phrase from Daoud Nassar, the director of "Tent of Nation project" from Bethlehem, Palestine:

"We refuse to be enemies."

Under the occupation, with the threat of confiscation by Israel of their land inherited from his grandfather legally, Daoud and family choose to live in this way of Hope. It is a constant choice of refusing to -react- to the violence they receive. They choose to act by transforming the frustration into a positive action. And that is the hope. The courage, patience and belief on themselves for they are choosing the right way. It was the strongest message I've received in Palestine.

"I refuse to be a victim."

I realized that moment there are choices. One choice to be a poor girl ending as a victim of whole the process. Another way to be the one who reclaims the responsibility on her being, clearly say NO to the story of the victim. The answer was clear.

I declared my choicenot to be the victimbut to be a free being by asking people to move.

It was that easy!!!!!

Next morning writing about the experience in the lodge of the night before, I first time realized that Ifulfilled my intentions. 12 years ago I took myself a roll of the victim in my first sweat lodge, yesterday I broke this chain with my own choice. I refuse to be a victim.

I am not a victim anymore.

Of course the story doesn't end here. I witness my "victim understudy" even more than before the phoenix retreat. But I know, I always have the choice. And I could succeed once, I can succeed again. Till my victim understudy transforms into the treasure in my history.

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The views expressed here do not necessarily represent the views of the School of Movement Medicine. Roland Wilkinson, Nappers Crossing, Staverton, Devon TQ9 6PD, UK Tel & Fax +44 (0)1803 762255 http://www.